May 13, 2003

i wanna be sedated

I get these anxiety attacks sometimes, usually at times when my life is either at a complete standstill, or at times when everything seems to be happening at once, rushing up to me like some hyper-motion early 90's MTV video shot of highway driving.

Now would be the latter. Things like making a sad, fairly big life decision (I'm not going to Greece. Money, time, and good sense make it unreasonable. Sad as hell, but unreasonable.), stressing over having to find three letters of recommendation, take the GRE and come up with a good writing sample by July 1st when I haven't written anything in God knows how long, don't know anyone to recommend me, and have forgotten all the math I ever knew (I'm applying to Grad school. Or rather, I am if I can get over the paralyzation by fear and turn in the application), the claustrophobic feeling of moving back in with one's parents at age 26, having other unresolved life issues, not knowing whether to go to Border's to buy Lisa Germano's new CD, go get a cup of coffee, shower, go get a beer, take a nap, call a friend, watch Kicking and Screaming, go get a waffle cone of mint chocolate-chip, go for a run, smoke a million cigarettes, drink that bottle of scotch, sit down and try to write, look at my GRE study book, email people to ask for recommendations, surf the net, lie on the floor and listen to music with the lights off, read one of the thousands of books I have but have never started, go through the boxes that contain my life and try to sort/clean it out, look for places to live in LA on the net, maybe I should just go to greece and spend another year here, but then I get to feeling like luke skywalker, waiting on the moisture farm for another season, and what if I'm reading all these signals wrong, and what if I can't write and what if I'll always be like this.

I think I can rule coffee off the list.

Posted by orion at May 13, 2003 08:43 PM | TrackBack