May 20, 2003

like a cat to the ninth power

it's a cool day here in tulsa, and I sat outside, drinking my coffee, watching the teenage catholic school girls go by, and then went to buy the new starlight mints album, which they hadn't even put out yet, and i went to borders and not my local indie store, cause they don't open til noon, and they never ever have anything i want unless i nag them about it, and i feel bad for not supporting the little guy, but the little guy does shit to cater toward me and i spend alot of money on records, so maybe i don't feel that bad, and i started to think about how beautiful and crisp and overcast it was and how my coffee tasted and how the catholic school girls reminded me of my own catholic school days, and i've heard the arguement that if you went to catholic school you get desensitized to the arousing effects of catholic school girl uniforms, and after 9 years there I can tell you it's not true, and I got pissed off about all of that, because what I wanted to convey to you, my 5 readers was not that I got coffee, am a dirty old man and bought a great CD, but i wanted to convey how it felt, how it felt to be me, sitting there on a cold grey morning, thinking of a million things, new york, scotland, kavalier and clay, chicago, elvis costello, that bench in front of notre dame, how it felt to want to die, where I was saturday night when i took the mysterious picture of the dead end sign, ex girlfriends, girls that were friends that could have been more, best friends lost and not talked to, people who were barely friends who died so fucking young you drove all night to go to their funeral and then felt guilty for being there guilty for crying guilty for not knowing them better, the times when I looked at you and you and you and you and I knew, that this was one of those moments, one of those it doesn't get any better moments when you're so ecstatic that your heart is literally pounding through your chest, dancing around like a two year old to the beta band, and to realize you love everything I love everything and i'm all connected and although i've made mistakes and broken people, the world will go on and it will be sad and beautiful and transcendent and painful and hate filled and angry and tragic and triumphant and filled with tears of joy and sorrow and cries of happiness and misery and it will go on and it is, it just is and that in itself is the most beautiful thing of all.

But I could never convey how that felt, and the thing that will stick out most in your mind from all of this is girls in catholic school skirts.

Posted by orion at May 20, 2003 11:21 AM | TrackBack