November 23, 2003

tight around my heart

so, i did some silly things while drunk last night.
i discussed jealousy with my lady friend.
specifically, my irrational past jealousy.
go back to like age 17, read Before She Met Me and you'll understand.
and we talked about when we dated before.
and i said somethings i'd never said before.
and she thought i was making them up. at first.
i don't really blame her. we all know i'm somewhat guarded when i'm not spilling my fucking blood and soul out on this webpage.
but these things were good to say.
i feel like i can tell her things, even stupid drunken things, even things i've held on to and kept compressed in the garbage compactor of my brain, even stupid jealous things, and she'll understand.
even though sometimes, we definitely don't speak the same language.
but we hack through the gaps.
so, instead of making me feel bad, this somewhat wrenching, sometime displaying steve's less attractive judgemental and jealous sides, discussion made me feel good.
like if we can talk about this, if she understands this, then all of those things that fuck up relationships (or at least my relationships. and i guess not 'all of those things,' it's usually just me that fucks 'em up) can be discussed, worked out, disarmed.
the thought of which makes me happier than anything has in a long long time.

Posted by orion at November 23, 2003 12:14 PM | TrackBack